The atmosphere inside the car is so quiet and peaceful that we can hear each other breathing. None of us dares to break this deathly silence; we cry silently. The most helpless tears are silent tears that flow when the heart is in the deepest pain.

Yalda asked the taxi driver to stop and so he stopped in front of her house. When she was going to say goodbye to us, her green-coloured eyes, which were red due to the tears and the pain she was bearing, attracted my attention. What a breathtaking composition of the two colours in human eyes. In truth, her tears had added to the beauty of her eyes.

She opened and closed her eyes. I did the same without saying a word. In those few seconds,we said many things to each other with our eyes. Then she left, walking towards her two- story house with white walls and a black-coloured door. She pressed the doorbell, and as the door opened, she went inside the yard.

The sound of the call to prayer rung out from near and far mosques, and the taxi driver moved away slowly. I closed my eyes; they were hurting.

I heard Mahnaz and Maryam say goodbye to each other, and I said goodbye to them without even opening my eyes. Before the car started moving, I heard both of them crying. I opened my eyes and looked out the car window. They hugged their mother, and their mother was shocked by her daughters’ behaviour. ‘Why are you crying?’ she asked them.

After a few minutes I reached home. I realised it was getting dark and that I was late. I took my phone from my brown jacket pocket and looked at the clock; it was 7pm, and I had missed a few calls from my mother. I got anxious and quickly gave the driver his money before leaving. The taxi driver said, ‘Dear sister, don’t worry. These days will pass too.’ I noticed he was a young man, maybe the same age as me. He said to pray that these days pass soon, then he drove off and disappeared from my sight. His words had a magical quality, saying such positive things, such as believing in faith and God, and everything will be fine. I opened the door, and before facing my mother, I washed my face in the yard with a water fountain nearby, then dried it with the corner of my head scarf. On seeing me my mother looked worried. With a fake smile, I said hello to her.

My mother, asked me, ‘Aqdus. why are you late? I was worried about you. I called you a few times, but you did not reply.’

‘I am fine, mother. I had a lot of work in the office, and we needed help finding a car on the way back. Also, there was too much traffic compared to other days, and I left my phone on silent mode, which is why I did not see your calls.’

‘If that was the case, then you should have called me, I nearly had a heart attack.’

To comfort her, I kissed both her hands saying, ‘God forbid mother, I am sorry I made you worried. My queen, let’s go inside. I am exhausted.’

When we entered the living room, my father and two of my brothers were busy talking, and my little sister was watching a cartoon on TV. After a short greeting, I apologised for being tired and left for my room. It was freezing that night, but I felt on fire. I could not be bothered even to change to my pyjamas so I slept in the same clothes.

‘Hahahaha. The weather is fantastic today. Look at the sky and the crowd of people like it is every other day.’

‘Let’s go shopping at Shahre-Naw. Girls, what do you think?’

‘It is a great idea, let’s go!’

‘Wait, we can’t go.’

‘Why?’

‘We are not wearing hijabs and black scarves. If we go there, the Taliban will arrest us for wearing all these colourful dresses.’

‘You are right. But I don’t like the colour black, look how pretty these colours are.’

‘Hey, look over there. The girls are running away; something might have happened to them.’

‘Run faster! They will arrest you. They fired a gun on a few of the girls, faster!’

‘Please leave me alone! Why do you want to kill me? Do not fire.’

‘My daughter Aqdus wake up! It was a nightmare, but it is over now. Stay calm.’ I did not know if I was sleeping or awake. ‘Mother, they tried to kill me.’

‘Don’t worry, my dear, it was a dream, be calm.’

I was scared to have this recurring nightmare again and sat up in my bed, trying to stay awake. I sat on my bed for a while and tried to think about the good old days when my mother used to sing me lullabies. I went back to my childhood memories, and my eyes slowly closed as I drifted off to sleep.

I woke up with my mother’s endearment, who was calling me with her tired voice, ‘Are you ok, jani madar, my dear?’

‘I am ok. Thanks, mother.’

‘Thank God. The Morning Prayer is already late. Go and take a shower so we can have breakfast together. Your brothers and your dad have already gone to work. It is only the two of us.’

‘Madar?’

‘Yes dear.’

‘Will these dark days ever end?’

‘We will hope for good days. I pray that these days end soon. By the way, I wanted to ask you to take a few days off from work, so your mind gets a bit calmer.’

‘I am OK, Madar jan. I cannot take days off from work. I have many deadlines, and I need to finish them before the start of the new month.’

‘You know best, my daughter. Then hurry up so you will arrive on time. You know how bad the traffic is in Kabul, it takes ages to reach somewhere.’

While my mother was waiting for the milk to boil, she stared at the glasses and took a deep breath. Although she appeared relaxed and reliable, I knew that there was a storm inside of her that no one else carried. When the milk had boiled, she gave me the first glass and asked me to wear my coat over my hijab. She said I may catch a cold if I don’t dress up warm.

I agreed to her request and took the glass of milk from her hand and drank a few sips.

I was very anxious about going to work. Whilst I was waiting at the bus stop, I noticed there were less ladies than usual. All of them were wearing black clothes and hijabs from head to toe. They were probably also going to work like me. After a while, the bus came, and we all got on.

On the way, all the men and women started talking, and everyone was sharing their worries and anxieties with each other. I did not want to listen to anyone, so I leaned my head on the car window and closed my eyes for a few minutes. I thought about the good old days. I opened my eyes when the driver’s helper shouted for the last stop. I sighed loudly and got out of the car. It is a ten-minute walk from the bus stop to my workplace. I took momentous steps and reached my workplace sooner than usual. When I arrived, I said hello to everyone and went to my office.

Whilst I was taking off my coat, my mother rang me. I answered quickly so that she didn’t worry.

‘Hello, Madar.’

‘Yes, I arrived safely. Do not worry. Although I did not want to take any time off work, I have decided I will do for your peace of mind.’ The journey there had caused me too much anxiety and my mother’s worries weighed heavily on me.

The next time I returned to my office, I turned my computer on. I started making the financial tables as it was part of my job. I made many mistakes in calculating and creating all these tables as I was anxious and could not focus. At lunchtime our organisation’s cook called us to eat at the canteen, and I smiled at him.

All of my colleagues, ten ladies, were gathered in the canteen around one table. No one was making jokes or laughing as they would have done a few days ago. Everyone was sitting together around one table, but their minds were far away from each other. I said Salam loudly and sat at my usual place.

I looked at everyone’s faces. The situation of the past few days was evident. Everyone seemed to be experiencing a wave of anxiety and worry. At the table, I looked around and realised that the seats of Mahnaz, Maryam, and Yalda were empty. I asked about their absence. Mursal, my colleague from management, said that their mothers had called the organisation and informed them that until the situation gets better, they will stay at home.

While taking a bite from her bread Fatima, one of my other colleagues who manages the employees’ attendance said, ‘Until the situation gets better, they might not come to work.

What if it doesn’t? What will happen to us? I am tired of being a girl in Afghanistan. I wish I was a stone instead of a girl in this country.’

After saying this, she started weeping. The rest of us could not hold back our tears either and so we all started crying together. I could not stay any longer in the canteen, so I went back to my desk and cried my heart out alone.

After I felt a bit lighter. I washed my face and looked at the clock on the wall. It read 3pm but as I was tired and stressed I could not stay longer and decided to leave an hour early. I went straight out of our office and did not say goodbye to anyone. Unlike on usual days, I took a taxi home without sharing the cost with others.

I closed my eyes the entire journey home as I did not want to look around and see the situation. When I reached home, I went to my room and lay in my bed without talking to anyone. I felt as if my body needed eternal sleep from this world of chaos and anxiety. I tried to sleep, but the sleep did not want to come to me. I sat in my bed and thought about the next day.

I decided to start this cold winter day with an unforgettable event. I don’t know where I had got all this positivity from. It was so unlike other recent days when I wore my long black jacket or brown coat with black trousers and a scarf.

When I eventually came out of my room I said hello to the kindest person in my life, who was smiling at me.

‘Good morning, the prettiest mother in the world.’

‘Good morning, my daughter. I see you after a long time in the bright outfit.’

‘I dreamt of wearing a bright outfit today.’

‘God bless you and bring all the happiness your way.’

I left the house and walked quickly towards work so that I could cover the twenty-minute distance in ten minutes. When I reached the bus stop, I realised that compared to the previous days, the number of ladies at the bus stop was even fewer. I thought it might be to do with the cold weather.

I wanted to find an answer as to why the number of ladies was less than usual. I sat with the rest of the people, and as usual, I looked on my mobile at the news. I saw a headline stating,

The Taliban have arrested women due to their outfits. I felt as if I had been hit on my head and asked myself, what does it mean by outfits.

I worried about the arrested women because no one knew what fate awaited them. After reading the headline, I couldn’t bear to read the rest of the article and find out the details. My curiosity turned into fear, so I put the phone in my jacket pocket. My mind was occupied with this matter the entire journey.

After about an hour, I arrived at my workplace. I had not greeted my colleagues who had arrived before me when my phone rang. When I saw my phone, it was one of my friends. ‘Hello Lina, good morning…yes, I just arrived. How are you? I’m fine. I didn’t see any soldiers today. Don’t hold your breath. Is everything ok? Take a breath. Yes, I read the news. Don’t worry. May the merciful God have mercy on us. Thanks for asking about me. Goodbye.’

My fear and apprehension increased after I ended Lina’s phone call and her worries made me more concerned. After that, I thought about being courageous and reading the news in detail. I read the news on local, foreign, and social websites. The hairs on my body stood up as I read that all the arrested girls and women had been wearing hijabs or long dresses. They had covered their bodies, and the main reason for the arrest was a mystery to everyone.

Those who had witnessed the events expressed their worries in posts on social media. One woman wrote:

“Just a few minutes ago, Amre-bel-Maruf (Ministry of Vice and Virtue) arrested a girl in front of her house and did not pay any attention to her mother’s excuses. In addition to the hijab and black veil, the girl also covered her entire face and body, and even her eyes could not be seen, but they still took her.”

After a few minutes, all my colleagues gathered to discuss this news. For a few minutes, we were able to laugh as one of the girls joked, ‘Girls, if I don’t get home, you’ll know that I went to jail because of my pants!’ 

Another said, ‘The long dress we wear is like a hijab. I don’t understand what the government’s goal is with the hijab. Maybe they aim to make us wear black from head to toe and look like a raven.’

For a few minutes, the atmosphere turned to laughter and jokes. The jokes were a way to decrease each of our fears and overcome the anxiety this news had created among us.

After a while everyone returned to their work. Although I was busy with work, my mind was full of thoughts and worries.

With all the difficulty and the mental conflict I was going through, I worked until 3 o’clock. After signing the attendance, it was time to leave for home. There were fifteen of my colleagues in total, and people whose houses were on the same route went together. That day,we were divided into three groups, as usual. We got up and headed towards home.

The situation in the city was worrying. All the ladies and girls were walking faster than usual and it seemed as if they were running a marathon and hiding their faces so they would not see the Taliban army on the street.

Due to our bad luck, there was a lack of local transportation that afternoon. All the buses were full. If you did manage to find a space in one you would be charged double.

After a while, four of us found a taxi. Once home I finally got some sleep. On the next working day, I woke up early and prayed. Then I went towards my wardrobe and tided all my colourful dresses and outfits away. I got ready, From head to toe I was dressed in a black outfit to go to work.